That famous Vancouver Rain… Umbrella etiquette 101

09Aug06

…It’s what we’re famous for here. I mean besides the Bertuzzi incident and the 2010 winter games and the fantabulous herbiage. Vancouver is situated in the middle of a rain forest. The operative word here being “rain”. It rains in Vancouver alot. We don’t get snow (well, maybe one day a year it sticks…and the whole city shuts down) and it rarely gets cold; below zero is an oddity and more than 10 below is absolutely panic inducing. In the summer it rarely goes above 30 degress celsius. We have a very temperate climate. Our winters are mild and are summers are comfortable. But it rains 180 days a year. And everybody reminds us of it when we travel.

The thing people who haven’t lived here don’t know is that it never actually really “rains” (other than about 2 weeks in November and a couple weeks in January/February). The majority of those 180 days of rain are not what I would actually call rain. It’s this crazy mist that renders umbrellas and rain hats positively useless; it’s a cloud bank that hovers over the city and doesn’t actually pour rain, it steeps it. There is a gray that encompasses everything and if we get it in summer it’s actually quite nice; a nice cooling mist soaks your body.

Today we have the Vancouver mist. I walked into work this morning and got absolutely drenched, and I’m not complaining. It is nice and cool and it’s not like I had to wade through puddles or anything. The thing I hate most about the Vancouver mist and rain is poor umbrella etiquette.

First off, you’re an idiot. You’re umbrella is useless, it does not keep you dry. You are in a cloud bank; the water is not falling much, it’s pretty much just there. Carrying an umbrella in Vancouver mist is akin to taking a knife to a gunfight (to quote Indiana Jones) or joining the hockey team of a country that’s never seen ice. You’re just not going to win the battle people. Leave the umbrella at home; if you’re that offended by a little wet, buy a rain coat with a hood. But your face is still going to get soaked.

Secondly, learn how to use your freaking umbrella. I’ve got news for you…it’s wider than your head, dumbass. Don’t swing the shit around and don’t force people to dodge the stines. And to all you little 4 foot 10 ladies… most everyone on the street is taller than you! Your stupid umbrella is eye level people, and when you swing and bob it around you run the risk of poking some poor sap in the eyeball. Not me, cuz I wear glasses, but someone else. Have a thought for the people around you, please.

Third, and my biggest pet peeve, although it really only counts on days when it’s real rain. IF YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA AND YOU’RE UNDER AN AWNING AND WON’T FOLD IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR NUTS CRUSHED AND YOUR ARMS RIPPED OFF!! Seriously, and again this comes down to common respect: the people without umbrellas are under the awnings to stay dry. Show some freaking respect and close your brolly, or better yet, just fuck off. This one gets me really cranked; it’s one of those things. Even if I am carrying an umbrella I’ve been known to let out an “It’s not raining under the awning” in defense of some poor sap with a newspaper over his head and a depressed look in his eyes. I’m not sure why people don’t get this one. It’s just plain not that hard.

Fourth (and this should be logical, but apparently it’s too hard to figure out for some people) if it stops raining, YOU NO LONGER NEED YOUR STUPID UMBRELLA, moron. Put it away. Thanks.

So this originally started as a post about the weather…somehow it turned into a rant about umbrellas…hrmm.

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Filed under: Mr. Crankypants, World   |  7 Comments