So I finally did it. I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend over the weekend. I am now looking feverishly for a place to live and trying desperately to quell the ache in my gut. It hasn’t been working for a long long time and I’ve been miserable, thus making her miserable. I can live with making myself miserable; that is something that is happening to me that I have complete control over. What I can no longer live with is making her miserable. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever known and doesn’t deserve the pain or loneliness I’ve been inflicting on her. She is my best friend in the world, and I hope that we can one day continue as friends, though it may be difficult right now. It didn’t fizzle out cuz I was angry with anything she did, or had any ire to her…there’s just no chemistry any more and there hasn’t been for a few years. I’m a little pissed at myself for taking so long to do the right thing (for both of us), but hindsight is always 20/20, as they say.
It’s very difficult to envision myself as a single guy again; 8 years is a long long time, and (if you’re in a couple you know this) you become quite entwined in that time period. Extracating myself is going to be difficult; not just my ‘stuff’ but our lives. She calls me every day on her lunch break. We have dinner and watch the evening news together every day. My family loves her, her family loves me, our friends that we gained as a couple and the ones we brought into the relationship, etc etc. And then there’s the ‘stuff’ too. After such a long period living together, we have acquired a certain amount of things and we need to fairly and properly divvy them up. We did a walk thru the apartment yesterday, and it occured to me how few things I can take with a good conscience; I will need a new bed (although she’s willing to give me the futon, which was hers before we started this journey), a microwave, TV if I so desire, all new dishes and cutlery and cooking things, seating, bedding, coffee table, dining table if I want one, and stuff for my cat (litter box, food dish, scratching post etc). Pretty much all I own is my computer stuff and my music stuff. And the home theatre system except for the TV.
There’s also all the hookups and what not. Phone is in her name (I haven’t owned or used a landline phone in 10 years…all mobile and now VoIP). Cable…her name. DSL is in my name, but since I don’t own a phone line and probably won’t I will have to pass that to her and hook up cable internet at my new place. Utilities are in my name, and I have to change them here to hers and get a new account at the new place, wherever it may be. And the mail.
Sigh…logistically, it’s a nightmare. Physically it’s hurting like a kick in the stomach. Emotionally it’s the hardest thing I have ever done. All in all, it was the worst weekend of my life. Which means things can only get better from here, right?