Sometimes I’m Afraid of Canadians too…

OK so after my two “I’m afraid of Americans” posts, my friend in Philadelphia pointed out that maybe the title was a bit harsh. Especially if I end up having to move there…I can see the immigration guy now: “oh. You’re THAT twitchy67. So you want to live in America huh? No problem; let me do thorough background checks on you and your family and everyone you know to make sure you’re not a terrorist. Now. Let’s see…what websites have you visited in the last six months…” Me: “gulp…hope porn sites don’t get me in trouble”. Immigration guy: “There better not be any porn sites here…we don’t want any pervo’s in our country”. Me: “gulp”.

But seriously, America isn’t the only place with wierd food. Up here we have tons of odd and probably not so healthy foods, most of which comes from quebec but not all of it. So I’m gonna point out some of those. Cage sent me an email about how she had to research Poutine after seeing on Duanes blog how he went for Poutine after drinking one night, so I’ll begin there.

Poutine: French Canadian yumminess that is french fries covered in cheese curds then doused in gravy. Soooo…cholesterol plus fat covered with transfat. I LOVE poutine…it’s one of my great dietary weaknesses. To be real, Poutine has to use specific cheese (white cheddar) curds, specific gravy, and specific fries. Throwing some velveeta chunks onto macdonald’s fries and drowning it in roast beef gravy is NOT gonna cut it. Check out the site at the top for the real story. The best Poutine’s I’ve ever had were: #1 at a little chip truck (no lie they have these things out east!) in Gatineau. #2: at a cheese making place somewhere deep in the rural southwestern quebec area (it was the ex’s step-sister’s wedding at some little burg 3 billion miles from civilization. I must note that I was the ONLY non francophone at that wedding and it was some long ass catholic mess ALL IN FRENCH! Yawn! Thank goodness for the awesome poutine on the way). #3 Fritz right here in Van city. Of course, my real poutine experiences are limited being a westerner and all and having only been in poutine country like 3 times.

Tortiere: Also called “Meat Pie”. My ex-girlfriend who was french canadian was fond of making this every Christmas. Basically you grind up ham, mix it with bread crumbs and put it in a pie crust. It’s like a porkburgerpie. It is yummy, but full of salt and fatty meat. Another of my weaknesses. The link in the title is for a recipe I found. Tortiere is a staple of the French Canadian Christmas eve experience…basically you eat this odd concoction then go to midnight mass where some guy in a dress speaks latin for 17 hours or so. Between the meat pie and the 17 hour mass, you get dessert, which consists of:

Sugar pie. (tarte au sucre) No lie. It’s pie crust. And sugar. Yum! It comes from maple country, so the south eastern Ontario/south western Quebec area (read: Ottawa to Montreal and places in between), and although the recipe I linked there says brown sugar, in reality it should be made with Maple sugar. Now I like this stuff in moderation, but Sugar pie is ridiculously sweet and I just don’t understand how people can eat much of it. Especially when you consider most Quebecois are washing it down with red wine! YUCK!

Maple taffy. I don’t think this is strictly Canadian. Basically you take maple syrup, cook it til it’s super sticky, then throw it in the snow and eat the (now diahrea brown colored) snow. Uh… yeah. I always called it poopsicles, much to the chagrin of the ex and her family.

The clincher. This is from my home area…

Prairie Oysters. I believe these are big in Montana as well. Bulls don’t make good steak. The meat is too tough…has something to do with testosterone. So all the steak you eat in restaurants comes from steers. Steers could have been bulls, but as youth they get turned into steers. Basically, when you turn a bull into a steer, it involves cutting off the family jewels. Once you cut the jewels off, they need to be used for something. Us Albertans, we cook em up and eat them. No lie…I don’t make this stuff up people. Cooked cow cojones. Bulls balls. Bovine testicles. They’re allright I guess.

There are other wierd Canadian foods too. My sister who is a Haida Indian (me and her were both adopted as babies) makes “Indian candy”, which is a VERY deceptive name for something that is basically smoked salmon jerkey. Don’t get me wrong, I love indian candy. But don’t call it candy if it isn’t, darn you! Of course ordering a Ceasar in a bar is a purely Canadian thing (a bloody mary but with clamato juice instead of tomato). Uh…I’m sure there are others. I googled “Saskatchewan delicacies” just out of curiosity but came up with nothing.

There you go… Canadians can be scary too.


3 comments so far

  1. Cage on

    So many things I’ve never tried before. In the States we call Prairie Oysters, Rocky Mountain Oysters…they do have them here…I’ve just never tried them. Out of all maple products maple cream is my favorite…some maple cream on hot toast would set me up.

    Thanks for this fascinating walk through what Canadians eat. One more thing…must know where Duane goes to get his nachos…they are truly mile high ;-).

  2. Rosie on

    I haven’t experienced most of that fare…D’oh.

  3. Lori on

    Canadians also have butter tarts and freely market lard at the local grocery store under the brand “Tenderflake”

    I also read that Canadians have the highest per capita consumption of Cheez Whiz in the world. That’s why you get the giant jars of it there. (Of which I will admit I’m slightly jealous, I dig my cheez whiz light)

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